Trump reveals nightly chats with Jesus

trump-jesusU.S. President Donald Trump said in an interview today that he enjoys nightly chats with Jesus H. Christ.

Trump said he invited Jesus to play a round of golf with him at Mar-A-Lago, but that Mr. Christ declined, saying he had lost interest in the game upon the death of Arnold Palmer.

Trump said he and Mr. Christ often discussed the serious issues of the day, and that Mr. Christ found Ivanka to be a “hottie” and planned to surprise Mary Magdalene with a “cute little Ivanaka-designed cocktail dress” as soon as it arrived in Heaven from China’s sweat shops.

According to Trump, Mr. Christ recently canceled his online-only subscription to the New York Times in protest of the “fake news” that had been “so unfair” in its portrayal of Mr. Trump’s presidency.

The paper version of the Times was canceled long ago, as home delivery was a chronic problem in Mr. Christ’s neighborhood.

Mr. Trump sought the Savior’s advice on critical issues such how to deal with Vlad Putin (arm wrestle him, Jesus suggested) and Rosie O’Donnell (send her a daily gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory, Jesus advised.)

And you were right all along, Mr Christ told Trump. Obama was born in Kenya and he’s going to have to give his entire presidency back to the white people he stole it from.

Mr. Trump said he that tonight he and Mr. Christ would dine on Kentucky Fried Chicken accompanied by Classic Coke (Not diet!) and that he would try offer Mr. Christ a staff job, and an office next to Steve Bannon’s since “someone’s got to keep an eye on his drinking, and who better than you Jesus, who gave up wine to set your people free.”