Steve King, sage of the cornfields, swami of Sioux Falls, wants to make Uh-Merica white again.
“We can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies,” quoth the sage of Iowa’s 4th District.
“Somebody else’s babies.” Until the Great Man spoketh thus, we had always assumed that millions of women would bear the next generation of Uh-Merica’s babies. But now, heeding Steve’s insights, we understand that just one very very busy woman will give us all the babies we need, and “somebody else” had better stay out of it.
Again we quoth the Sage: “I’d like to see an America that’s just so homogenous that we look a lot the same.”
Doubtless, our enemies would interpret these wise sayings as deeply racist. Not so! David Duke, a true Kristian gentleman, has himself called down the Lord’s ALL CAPS blessings on our Sage. And I quote: GOD BLESS STEVE KING!!! Note that the erudite and suave Mr. Duke spelled all those really hard words correctly, and included exclamation! points! for! emphasis!
Yes, our Praire Sage has come under a barrage of criticism lately. Sad! Unfair! Let me defend our hero by pointing out the high points of his frankly astonishing life.
Steve was in college when Uncle Sam needed a few good riflemen to mow down them Commies in Veet-Nam. A born patriot, Steve badly wanted to kill Commies in person. However, the nation needed forest rangers desperately, so Steve persevered in his coursework at Northwest Missouri State (Go Bearcats!)
By sheer coincidence, once Steve was no longer eligible for the draft, he dropped out of college. Only a cynic would suggest that his purpose as a student was to avoid military service. Shame on you, if that’s what you’re thinking.
But oh, the impossible dream of becoming a forest ranger proved beyond even Steve’s mighty grasp. So he started an earth-moving company in his beloved Iowa. His detractors are quite rude to suggest he has been playing in the dirt ever since.
Soon, patriot that he is, he was called by the Almighty to serve in the Iowa legislature. There, he helped pass a law making English the state’ official language, fighting off rival tongues such as German, Welsh and Dutch.
And that’s why today, the people of Iowa still speak English!
Way to go, Steve!
But that was not accomplishment enough!
In 2002 he won election to the U.S. House, and would beat back challenges for the next 8 terms. Let us review his accomplishments in Washington, shall we?
In 2015, InsideGov named him the least effective lawmaker in Congress, noting that he had failed to get any of his bills out of committee.
Hateful cynics have interpreted that to mean that the Sage introduces bills merely for the PR effect they have in his home district.
But we here at Friends of Steve, know and value The Sage by his many wise pronouncements.
- Although he did not serve himself, he patriotically sent Americans to risk their lives in the Iraq war.
- A strong backer of the manly arts, he has endorsed the notion of “legitimate rape.”
- He has fought battles to preserve animal cruelty, and has called the Humane Society the “vegan lobby.”
- He proposed that Iowa judges resign after they ruled for same-sex marriage. He feared that the marriage law had become so liberal that “you could marry your lawn mower.” (He has not so far married his riding mower, but there are nasty rumors of an ongoing affair.)
- He opposed federal aid to victims of Katrina and Sandy, fearing the money would be spent on “Gucci bags and massage parlors.”
- His proposal to keep migrants south of the Rio Grande: An electrified fence. “We do that with livestock all the time.”
- He was a Birther who did his best to keep a dark-skinned foreigner out of the White House. When his staff discovered Obama birth announcements in two Hawaii newspapers, the Sage noted: “They might’ve announced that by telegram from Kenya.”
- He knows more than the scientists. Even if there is such a thing as global warming, he says, that would only lead to a happier earth with more photosynthesis. And remember, this was a man who damn near graduated from Northwest Missouri State.
We add that Rep. King has the wisdom and ecumenical grace to display the Confederate flag on his desk. This shows a remarkable sensitivity to history and the courage of true Kristian forgiveness. Because certainly the Sage knows that Iowa sent more soldiers into the Union Army than any other state, and that 13,000 Iowa boys never came back from Southern battlefields.
He must know that, given his solid educational background.
Nor is his renowned empathy confined to his 700,000 constituents. He’s taken Europe’s burdens on his mighty shoulders. Quoth he: “We need to get our birth rates up or Europe will be entirely transformed within a half century or a little more.”
Since the Sage is not a European, some have wondered whether the “we” referred to the white race. Flaming liberals such as John Boehner have made exactly such a foul misinterpretation, calling the Sage’s comments “ignorant” and “hateful.”
The Iowa Communist Daily, formerly known as the Des Moines Register: noted that “During the 14 years … (King) has been in office, he has not authored a single piece of legislation that has become law … He wields zero influence in the House and is regarded as a publicity-seeking extremist even by members of his own party.”
We here at Friends of Steve note that the Sage won his last election in a landslide … and have canceled our subscription to the Failing Des Moines Register.
FAST STEVE FACTS:
Choice for President: Ted Cruz. Oops.
Married, but not to his lawn mower.
Cities represented: Ames, Fort Dodge, Sioux Falls
Voter backing: 61% in 2016 election.
Race of constituents: 93% white
Farmers in his district: 49,000
Average federal subsidy per farmer: $11,000
Top financial backers, according to public records:
Wells Blue Bunny ice cream .
College Loan Corp.
American Bankers Assn.
American Podiatric Medical Assn.
John Bolton PAC
Leadership Matters for America
National Association of Homebuilders
National Cattlemen’s Beef Assn.